Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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