I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
