After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
