I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
