i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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