i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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