She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
