i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She needs sedatives and a leash
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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