I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
