Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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