she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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