Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
