It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
