I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
