your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
