TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
