If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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