I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
