I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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