Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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