You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
