The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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