Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
