guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
