i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
