remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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