It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
