Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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