I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
whose parrot is this?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
