I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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