Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
