I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
