I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
