dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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