i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
