3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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