the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
