Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
where are you?
Hypothermia
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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