I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
