We won't sleep together?
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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