You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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