This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
