Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
