I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
