Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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