It's Friday. Sex?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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