can u get pink eye on your cock?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
