you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
His nipple licking is glorious
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