Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
