So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
