i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
