Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
