Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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