I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
