So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
