Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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