Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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