Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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