Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
