Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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