so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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